To Want And To Have
by Chinco
Summary: We all know what Jordan truly wants, but what does she do to get it? MAJOR spoilerish if you haven't seen season 5. Sorry about the bad summary and title, it was the first thing that crossed my mind. 101 percent WJ.
1. I Already Know

**A/N: This is my first CJ fic ever, and my third fanfiction in total. This is something that has been playing in my mind ever since Dreamland, so I really hope it's not completely awful. If there are a lot of correction mistakes (although I _have_ spell checked it) or badly put sentences, I have one excuse: I'm a fifteen year old Norwegian. They cancelled CJ after season 1 here in Norway, so I've only seen that one and season 5. If there are any facts I have got wrong because of this, please tell me ).**

**If you review it will really make my day. Please feel free to write your opinion, whatever that might be. I'm probably going to continue anyway, as I just have to write this! I'm not good at the whole rating thing, so I'll just rate it 'T' just to be sure.**

**This chapter is pretty short, I know, but I swear, the next chapters willbe longer and hopefully better.**

* * *

Chapter 1: I already know

"I don't know why it happened".

When she had spoken the words, she had meant them to be true. But deep down she knew why, she knew _exactly_ why. Explaining this to J.D, explaining _ho_w, was something she couldn't do. Not then, while he was staring at her from behind bars. Not later, when he told her he was going to Washington. Not now, when he got her admitting she had sabotaged their relationship. This time she had actually tried, she had really tried not hurting him, but she went ahead and did it anyway, no matter if she meant to or not.

"I guess I need to figure out what I want."

"I think you already know."

_I think you already know_. His words rang in her ears long after he'd left. And she did. She knew what she wanted, the problem was she didn't know how to get it. Her thoughts wandered back to the Lucy Carver Inn, to what had happened between her and Woody, remembering his kisses and caresses, the way he smelled, the way his skin felt against hers, and the fact that neither of them had woken up saying it had been a mistake. All the time she'd been friends with Woody, she had been willing to bet that if something like this ever happened between them, things would get awkward. So she was surprised to learn that nothing had changed, at least not on the surface.

Woody had been great. He hadn't pushed her in any way, he had patiently waited for her to tell J.D and when J.D punched him in the gut, he was able to see things from his perspective. But they needed to talk, figure out what it meant and what it would mean, "if anything", as Woody had put it. Jordan knew what it meant to her, but she couldn't bear herself to tell him, afraid of being shot down and hurt again. Last time she had shared her feelings, Woody had asked her to screw her pity and get the hell out. She couldn't risk that happening again, he was too important to her. The time after he got shot, when they could hardly look at each other, had been like hell. And when they were finally over the fighting and the anger, something like this happened.

Now that J.D was out of the picture, a part of her, although she refused to admit it, even to herself, had hoped Woody would now consider it safe to make her his. But he kept his distance.

"I don't want to be your rebound guy, Jordan," he told her when they were standing outside her apartment. He had followed her home after making sure both Garrett and Abbey were ok, and she had asked him if he wanted to come in.

She could have screamed. _Rebound guy_? If anyone was the rebound guy, it had been J.D.

"This thing we're doing, or thinking about doing, it feels…" he had continued, obviously not sure how to tell her what was on his mind.

"Too soon." She had meant it to be a question, but it came out as a statement. He didn't answer, just looked at her with his crystal blue eyes, the ones that always made her heart melt a little. Kissing his cheek goodbye, she watched him walk down the hallway before entering her apartment for some serious moping.

As the weeks passed, she saw a lot of Woody, but it was mainly work related. And it never seemed to be a right time to talk about 'them'. So she buried herself in her work as always, hoping that it would give her something else to think about. Apparently Woody did the same. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe they both needed to get on with their lives.

So she kept telling herself that he didn't want her and that she was over him, hoping that somewhere down the track she would start believing it. It would finally be true. But when she heard the rumours about Woody and the new detective Lu Simmons, she felt sick to the stomach. How could he start dating someone this soon?A wave of jealousy filled her along with the nausea. She hadn't felt like this since…since…_Since Devan had been in the picture, _she thought, suddenly feeling embarrassed. Before Devan died, she had been cold towards here, like some angry ex-girlfriend, only because she and Woody had begun dating. Promising herself she would never act like that again, she turned the other way, pretending she had never heard anything.

"I have no claim on Woody," she told herself repeatedly. Soon the anger disappeared, but the nausea was still there. It began affecting her work, as she often had to run and throw up, especially when Detective Simmons was there, working on a case. She hated feeling this way, she didn't want to dislike the woman, but there was nothing she could do about it.

_What is the matter with me?_

Then it hit her. This had nothing to do with Lu. This was all because of Woody.

One day she had locked herself in her office after yet another throwing up incident, she heard a knock on the door.

"Jordan, is everything ok?" Lily's voice asked. She got up and let her in, before sitting down again, putting her head in her hands. "You haven't been yourself lately. I'm worried about you," Lily said carefully, not sure if her friend wanted to talk or not. "I know it's none of my business, but if you let me, maybe I'll be able to help. You can tell me."

Jordan looked up. Lily was almost shocked to see how exhausted and sick she looked. "I, eh…" Jordan began, not really wanting to share what was on her mind, but she knew that she could trust Lily.

"I think I'm pregnant".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


	2. Ready Or Not

**A/N: Thank you all for reviewing! **

**Looks like I forgot the disclaimer! Well, I'm sorry to say I don't own Crossing Jordan. I'm actually gladI don't - to much responsibility - but I'd love to be scriptwriter for a day! I sort of own the non-CJ-characters in this story, but that doesn't mean I'll sue you or anything if you borrow them ;)**

**It's probably going to be a while before thenext update, I'll be away most of the weekend.**

**Ok, enough talk!**

* * *

Chapter 2: Ready Or Not

"You…you what?" Lily stumbled, thinking her ears had played a trick on her.

"I think I'm pregnant" Jordan said again.

"Wow, are you sure, I mean…" she sat down, letting it sink in. Whatever she had expected when she went to talk with her friend, it had not been this. "Does, eh, does Pollack know? I'm guessing he's the father."

_Pollack? _Jordan stared at her, before remembering that as far as her friends were concerned, J.D had been the last man she had been sharing her bed with. Making a rash decision, she considered it best to stay that way.

"No, "she whispered. "You're the only one I've told."

"Are you late?" Lily said, and Jordan nodded.

"And I've been throwing up like crazy."

They sat in quiet for a while, both wondering how to deal with the situation.

"I think there's only one thing to do," Lily finally said. Jordan gave her a puzzled look. "You need to take a pregnancy test."

An hour later the girls met inside the morgue bathroom. Lily had offered to go to the drug store and buy a test, so that no one would expect anything. After making sure there was no one else in the room, she handed Jordan the bag.

"How do you want to do this?"

"How? What do you mean how? Are there different ways?" Jordan asked incredulously, reading the description on the box.

"Well, you have to, you know…urinate…on it, but sometimes it's a problem…aiming," Lily blushed.

"You sound like you talk from experience," Jordan said, making Lily blush even more.

"I, eh, I thought I was pregnant once. Thanks to one of these I turned out to be wrong. But it doesn't matter right now. You can choose if you want to try and hit the stick, or if you want to use a cup or something."

"A cup? Yeah, that could be a good idea, just to be sure. I'll be right back." Jordan went out the door, making her way to the break room. From a distance, she was sure she'd heard someone call her name, but she was too wrapped up in her own thoughts to pay attention.

There was a chance she was pregnant, a responsibility she absolutely wasn't ready for. She doubted she would even be able to take care of a goldfish without forgetting to feed it, much less a baby. She couldn't do this, not now, with everything.

"Jordan did you…" Nigel said as she walked hurriedly past him. The Brit had noticed a slight difference to Jordan's behaviour lately, but now she was acting plain weird. And no matter what Bug said, they could no longer just blame it on 'Jordan being Jordan'. Leaving what he had been working on, he decided to follow her.

As soon as she reached the break room, Jordan got up on one of the counters. Struggling to keep her balance, she searched for one of the bags from the Christmas party.

"I was sure I saw those plastic cups here somewhere," she muttered to herself, looking both on top of the cupboards and inside them. She grabbed one of the teacups to see if there was anything behind them when someone appeared behind her.

"Why don't you just take one of the regulars?" The voice caught her completely off guard, making her jump and loose all the foothold she had left. And before she knew it, she fell backwards, right into Woody's arms.

If he hadn't been so surprised, he probably would have been able to catch her, but now they both fell back onto the floor, hitting it with a big force and a loud crack, as the cup Jordan had been holding smashed into a thousand pieces.

"Love, is everything…" Nigel broke himself off as he saw the scene in front of him.

Jordan had turned around in mid-air and was now lying on top of Woody, who was moaning after the meeting between his back and the floor. The broken teacup had scattered all over the place, making it look like Jordan had thrown the cup at Woody before jumping on him. They stared at each other, her face inches from his. If the situation had been different, she would have considered kissing him, despite being afraid for how he'd react.

The expression on Nigel's face went from slightly surprised to amused. He grinned mischievously. "Oh, my".

"It's not what it looks like," Jordan said, suddenly aware of the crowd that had gathered outside the room.

"So you didn't decide to do something about that annoying sexual attraction between you two, and found the floor a bit too inviting? Please, go ahead, don't mind us," Nigel joked. Throwing the Brit a deadly look, Jordan got up on her feet, helping Woody do the same. He was momentarily speechless, and the look on his face was impossible to read. _Surprised? Or just angry? _Whatever it was, Jordan wasn't sure if she wanted to know.

"Come on, guys, nothing here to see," she told the crowd, trying to get them back to work. "It was just an accident." Nigel gave her another sheepishly look before joining the others. _That should get the rumours started_, she thought, avoiding eye contact with Woody. "Are you okay? I'm sorry, I should have been more careful."

"Yeah…" Woody answered absent-minded. He stepped away, without taking his eyes of her, and reached for something at the top of the fridge. "Just ask for some help next time. You could have hurt yourself," he said, handing her a plastic cup. "Look, Jordan…"

"I, I can't do this right now," she swallowed hard, still unable to look directly at him. Before Woody got the chance to say anything else, she ran out of the room, leaving him both confused and hurt behind.

"What took you so long?" Lily asked as soon as Jordan entered the ladies room again.

"You'll probably hear all about it later," Jordan sighed.

"Are you ready?" Lily handed her the box, her eyes glowing with sympathy.

Even the simplest questions can be the hardest to answer. When it came to making commitments, Jordan always told herself she wasn't ready for it, she'd end up getting hurt. But this was different. How could a baby possibly hurt her the same way a grown person could? She had always tried not being dependant on people, she couldn't imagine having someone depending that much on her. And would Woody fit into this? There was a chance the baby was his, and she was sure he'd want to be a part of its life. If she told him.

Jordan took a deep breath. "As ready as I'll ever be. Let's do this."

* * *

"Woody, could I, eh, ask you a question?" Bug said carefully, not taking his eyes of the body he was working on. He was the answering ME on the Pullum-case, and the two of them were just about to finish up.

The detective gave him a surprised look. It was a common fact that the two of them hadn't gotten that well along lately, and they had never been on best friend-terms. They worked well, but Bug's face told this was more of a personal problem.

"Sure."

"How did you...How did you manage to fall out of love with Jordan?"

The question hit Woody like a bolt of lightning. "Wha-what?"

Bug mentally kicked himself. _What are you doing you idiot? Are you really that worked up about Lily? _Truth is he was. No matter what he'd told her the other day, he was still madly in love with her, something he had been ever since they first got to know each other. But she was dating Jeffery Brandau, she didn't want him. _She never has_. He didn't want to mourn over her anymore, he wanted to move on and be happy, but for that to happen, he had to fall out of love with her. This hopeless devotion had to come to an end. "I'm sorry, I know it's none of my business, I just know that you had feelings for her, we all knew, but you've proved you don't care anymore and I… I wonder how you managed it." The room fell awfully silent, before Woody finally spoke.

"Why do you want to know?" He asked, still stunned.

"I'm in a situation, and, eh, it's a boring story really, but it would help if I knew how you fell out of love with Jordan." The awkwardness was unbearable, but Bug had said the line, he had to face the consequences. For a moment he was afraid Woody would punch him or something, but the detective blinked several times, looking completely lost.

"I never did." And with that he turned around and left the room.

* * *


	3. Starting Now

**A/N: Sorry about the long wait and the short chapter, but I've been net-less for a while, and my handball team is in a big tournament at the moment.**

**If you wanted to know whether Jordan is pregnant or not, maybe you'll get your answer ;)**

* * *

Chapter 3, Starting Now 

The worst part is always the waiting. Whether you're waiting to hear if you won the contest, waiting for your wife who's in surgery, waiting for something that was supposed to arrive in the mail or waiting for the results of a pregnancy test, the longer it takes the worse it is. Often you can't concentrate on anything but the wait. You can feel lost, excited, impatient, worried, annoyed or, in Jordan's case, dead scared. After the small amount of three minutes, her life could change completely. She snorted as she pictured herself waddling around the morgue in maternity clothes, but to her surprise, the thought wasn't that repulsive anymore. It would be lying if she said she hadn't thought about having children, but she had always pictured it to happen sometime in the future when she had learned to deal with her problems, and was in a safe relationship with a man who loved her. She had never considered the fact that she maybe had to raise a kid on her own. And that was what she was now. _All alone._

"Are you going to tell him?" Lily said, breaking Jordan's train of thoughts.

"Him who? Garrett? Well, if I'm pregnant he will have to know. It would affect my work here."

Lily shook her head. "Not Garrett, silly. I'm talking about J.D Pollack. The baby's father, remember?" Jordan looked down at the sound of his name. "I mean, he has the _right_ to know and be a part of the baby's life – if he wants to, of course, but I doubt he won't and…" Lily stopped as she saw the expression on Jordan's face. "He _is_ the baby's father, right?"

"I…I don't know," Jordan replied, barely whispering.

"What do you mean you don't know? Last time I checked you were still seeing him three weeks ago, there's no way…" The alarm on Jordan's cell phone forced Lily to loose her focus.

The three minutes were over. All Jordan had to do was look at the test and see if there was a blue line or not. A blue line meant pregnant. A blue line meant she was having a baby. But she couldn't do it. She practically froze to the ground, staring towards the sink like it was in charge of deciding her future.

"Do you want me to look at it?" Lily asked, knowing how her friend felt. When this had been her, she had been overjoyed when her friend volunteered to compare the result.

"Yes, please," Jordan said, swallowing hard. Lily caringly squeezed her friend's hand, before walking over to the sink and picking up the stick and the box. Jordan held her breath.

Without a word, Lily looked at the stick and compared it to what the instruction on the box said. Putting the box down again, she looked at Jordan's reflection in the mirror.

"Am I…?"

"Pregnant?" Lily turned around. "No. The test was negative."

"Really?" Jordan walked to her and was handed the stick. There was no blue line. She wasn't pregnant. "Wow, I was so sure, I was so…"

"Worried? Excited?" Lily smiled. "Something in between?"

"I don't know, really," she said, throwing the negative pregnancy test in the trash can. At first she had been so worried she couldn't eat or sleep. Later she had gotten more used to the idea, but was still worried sick. Now? ''Something in between summed'' it up pretty well. But this whole thing had been like a wake-up-call. She hated this situation she had been in lately. Maybe it was time to do something about it. Starting now.

Jordan quickly hid the box behind her back as someone pressed down the handle and entered the room.

"Oh, Lily, there you are, I've been looking for you everywhere," the woman said. She looked and sounded familiar, although Jordan was sure she had never spoken with her before. "Dylan McKenzie is here to see his wife." The blonde-haired woman obviously noticed that something was going on, and stared at Jordan's reflection in the mirror behind her.

_Damn it_, Jordan thought, trying to cover the box even more.

"I'll be right there, Kathy," Lily said, and Kathy closed the door again.

"Who was she?" Jordan wondered, relaxing again.

"Kathy?" Lily frowned. "The new ME? Garrett hired her two weeks ago."

"Really? I don't think I've met her."

Her statement made Lily frown even more. "You've worked on the same case. Come on, Jordan, you and Nigel made fun of her name on her first day. But you two haven't talked that much. Most of the time you talk _to_ her."

It started to dawn on her. "I guess I haven't been myself lately."

"I'm glad you finally realized it." She took the box from Jordan. "About this, maybe you should take another test, just to …" Lily continued, but Jordan didn't listen. Before Lily could stop her, she was out the door. "…be sure."

* * *

She drove around for like an hour, trying to find the courage she needed. There were so many things she had to get off her chest, things she couldn't put on a piece of paper. Not that she hadn't tried. She had written down her thoughts a number of times, but it never seemed to be enough to ease her mind. Every time she was done writing, she put the piece of paper inside an envelope and wrote down the address, but she never sent it. The letters were safely stored inside a box underneath her bed. 

This letter-therapy was something Jordan had done a lot the past four years. Dr. Stiles had once suggested writing letters to her mother, where she told her everything she'd ever wanted to say, but never got the chance to. Since then, a lot of letters had been written. Many to her mother, some to her father, past and present lovers, friends she had lost and, lately, Woody.

When he finally got her to open up, her conversations with Dr. Stiles had helped her a lot, making her realize things about both herself and others. Sometimes she wished she was able to read people like he did.

Wheels screeched as she spun her car around and headed for the other direction. She didn't need to be analyzed, she just needed someone to listen and maybe help her make the right decision. God knew she was lost. Never before had she been so emotionally helpless. Not because of a man.

As soon as she reached his building and ran up the stairs to his apartment, she silently prayed that he was home. This was the point of no return. She knocked on the door, carefully at first, then more confident.

_No backing out now._

When he opened the door and saw her, his eyes were like two big question marks.

"I need to talk to you."

He stepped aside, letting her enter, and closed the door behind them.

* * *


	4. All I Want Is You

**A/N: I spent forever on this chapter because I wanted it to be believeable. But in the end I gave up and simply wrote it! **

**I want to thank you all again for reviewing! It's the best motivation.**

* * *

Chapter 4 – All I Want Is You

"I've got to say, Jordan, I didn't expect to see you here," he said after closing the door.

"Me neither," Jordan smiled, wanting to pretend she hadn't noticed that his shirt was halfway unbuttoned, but her eyes didn't listen. The sight of his bare chest made her mouth go dry and her heart skip a few beats, before speeding up again. Just thinking about him like this sent warm chills down to her abdomen. She mentally gave herself a real good punch, trying to get her mind back on track. "Listen, I, uh, I need to talk to you."

Woody didn't even bother guessing. It was late, he was tired and the last thing he wanted right now was to be dragged into something idiotic and dangerous, only because he cared so much about this woman he'd do pretty much anything for her. "What's up, Jor?"

"We can't go on like this, Woody. Ever since you declined when I asked you if you wanted to come in that night, things have been tense and weird and… even more complicated. And I hate it. I knew… I _knew_ sex would screw things up between us. But you know what the worst part is? You're making it seem like all of this is my fault only…" She stopped, awaiting his reaction. When she didn't get one, she continued. "_I_ was ready to let you in. _You_ wanted out".

Woody took a deep breath. This was not what he had expected. "You're the one who said that it was too soon."

"You're the one who put those words in my mouth! And I didn't think you'd go ahead and be comforted by Detective Simmons!"

"Did it ever occur to you that sometimes it feels good knowing I'm needed by someone?"

"It never _occurred_ to me that you would start dating someone else only because you didn't want to be my rebound guy!"

"Talk about being a hypocrite!" His voice had raised several decibels.

Jordan gave him a puzzled look. "What makes me a hypocrite? If it's the stuff with Pollack…"

He didn't let her finish. "I saw you with him."

"Him who?" This was the second time today she'd used that phrase.

"You know damn well who I'm talking about."

"I honestly don't, so it would help if you'd just…"

He broke her off again. "Danny McCoy!"

_Danny? What does he have to do with all of this_? Jordan frowned, expecting him to explain further, but he obviously expected the same thing from her. The silence mercilessly spread across the room, making the distance between them even larger. Hurt and anger were thrown into one big mix, as they literally tried to stare each other down. She wanted answers, he wanted the truth. Just like before.

"I saw you on a date with him," Woody suddenly said. His voice was calmer now, but ready to rise at any moment.

"A date? Yes, I had dinner with him two weeks ago, but I would hardly call it a date. He was in town, he wanted to meet up."

Woody raised an eyebrow. "_Really_? So the two of you didn't decide to have a quickie for old time's sake? I bet Vegas-boy struggled to keep his hands of you." He sounded so jealous it was almost cute, but he had hit a nerve.

"That's what you think? You think all I want is some cheap meaningless sex with every man I meet? I've been there, and I've done that, but I'm a different person now. I've changed, Woody."

"So have I."

She recalled their conversation out in the desert three years ago where they shared their first kiss. She had claimed she'd never be able to reinvent herself. Woody told her it was all about changing your basic situation. _People do it all the time_. Running away was something she'd done plenty of times, but you can never escape your past. All you can do is try and make the future better.

"Well, obviously you're trying to out-whore me or something," she said, giving a slight chuckle, but remained serious. "But I guess it's a tie. Jay, Danny and Pollack on my part. You with Devan, Sam and Lu. All the time we've know each other, these people are the ones who have woken up the green beasts inside of us."

"I'm not seeing Lu."

"I'm not seeing Danny."

They remained silent for a while again, but this time it wasn't unbearable. There had been lots of truths in Jordan's words, and Woody almost had to hide a grin when she had admitted being jealous at someone he'd been dating. Jordan plumped down on the couch behind her. This whole thing hadn't exactly gone as planned. She didn't mean for them to fight or argue. Not anymore. Not when they finally had moved past all that. It was time to come clean.

"You know, you and Pollack had your differences, but you did agree on one thing: I know what I want."

"And what's that?" He suddenly looked exhausted, like he was sick and tired of waiting, tired of how she kept playing with his mind without meaning to. And she couldn't blame him. If she'd just been brave enough before, if she'd spoken up before, maybe… Maybe. Maybe they would have decided to start that ''thing'', maybe they would have decided to stay friends or maybe he would have pushed her away again. Just like before. "What is it you want, Jordan?"

"I want you." The words flew out of her mouth before she could do anything to stop them. But for once, she was truly speaking with her heart. Right now she didn't care about his reaction, she only wanted him to know for once exactly what was on her mind.

"What did you say?" Woody looked at her astonished, like he wasn't sure he could rely on his own ears. "You want…?"

"You. I want you, Woodrow Wilson Hoyt." Jordan got up and moved closer to him, her brown eyes staring into his blue ones. She had to fight the tears when she remembered Laura's words from all those weeks ago_. I figured out how to know when you're really loved. It's when you see yourself reflected, really reflected in the other person's eyes. When you know it's the same for them. _Looking into Woody's eyes, it all made perfect sense to her. She knew. "It took me a while to realize it, but it's true. All I want is you".

He kissed her then, not allowing her to break away, and, as she clung to him, she didn't want to. This was exactly what she needed. Someone to hold her tighter.

* * *

The beeping sound from the alarm clock practically made him jump out of his sleep. Out of habit he pressed the slumber button and rolled over to face the other side. It was empty. That's when he remembered. _Jordan_. Had it just been a dream? The right side of the bed was still warm, like someone had been lying there in his arms all night. No, it had been way better than a dream. She had been there with him every step of the way, as they took their relationship to a level he had never thought possible. Last night she had let him love her.

He remembered kissing her like there was no tomorrow, and her responding with equal passion. Then they were lost in their emotions. When he deepened the kiss even more and was rewarded with a moan, his world went spinning. And it kept spinning until she lay breathlessly in his arms, looking into his soul, whispering words of affection.

What had they really been so afraid of?

He could still smell her perfume, feel her touch and hear her words.

"I can't promise you that it will stay like this forever," she'd told him after another round of love-making and sensations. "But I can promise you that I'm done running."

He had bent down and kissed her thoroughly. "You have no idea what that means to me." And then they fell asleep.

Woody put on his boxers and walked out of the bedroom. At first he thought she was taking a shower, but the room was empty. So was the rest of the apartment.

This was what he had been afraid of. She was gone.

* * *

**A/N: Don't you just love the cliffhangers?**


	5. I Can't Do This

A/N: I finished this while I was supposed to study for my English exam. Looks like I'm only able to write when I should be doing other things ;)

I'm the queen of short chapters which take forever (for me) to write!

* * *

Chapter 5 – I Can't Do This

Frustrated. He was frustrated as hell. But most of all he was hurt. Hurt that she just left. Hurt that she didn't even leave a note. One moment she made him as happy as he could possibly be. The next she made him feel so lost he didn't know what to do. He had been incredibly patient with her for so long, letting her twist him around her finger, not able to tell her no. Now the patience was starting to run out.

Faith. Trust. Two words that meant so much to him. They obviously didn't to Jordan. Was she really calling quits before they even got started? Did she remember at all what she'd told him last night?

At first he came up with loads of reasons why she wasn't there, but in the end he didn't care. He just wanted to find her and give her a piece of his mind.

_What is her excuse this time?_

He spotted her immediately as he walked into the morgue. She was standing by the elevators, looking absorbed in her own thoughts.

"Jordan!" He called out angrily, making her jump. Before she could even open her mouth, he practically started yelling at her. "I don't want to know! I don't want to hear your excuses, I just want to know what's wrong with you and why you left like that!"

"Not here," she said and pushed him back into the elevator. Checking that no one was watching, she stepped in herself and let the doors close. As they started to move down the floors, she pressed the stop button.

"What are you doing?" Woody said, regaining balance after the sudden halt. "Will you please tell me what the hell is going on with you?"

* * *

Nigel, who had both seen and heard them argue, merely shrugged at it all, but when people began complaining that one of the elevators wasn't working, he picked up his coffee from Emmy's desk and hurried away.

"Hey, Nigel, what's the rush?" Lily called to him from the break room. She'd been having lunch with Bug

"Guys, you've gotta see this!"

They followed him into the forensic laboratory, where Nigel quickly started working on one of the computers.

"What is it we're supposed to see?" Lily asked.

"Our dear Jordan and Woodrow are having a fight in the elevator. And it's so bad they pressed the stop button. What they don't know is that I have placed my camera in there. Invisible for them, but we have a front row view to see what's going on."

"And why would we _want_ to see that?" Bug said, not humoured.

"Let's just say, Buggles, that a lot can happen in elevators." Nigel answered playfully, having a mischievous glint in his eyes.

A couple of clicks later, a clear image of the inside of the elevator appeared on the screen. Nigel mentally applauded himself for deciding to put his camera there, when he could have chosen the other elevator.

"Is it possible to get the sound, or will we have to read their lips?" Lily said. Right now all they could get was that Woody was pretty angry. He was waving with his arms at Jordan, who was just standing there, waiting for him to finish.

"Is the pope catholic?" Nigel joked.

"We don't need the sound, look, Woody just said ''Nigel is a big pervert''." Bug's witty remark was rewarded with Lily slapping him on the arm.

Nigel shot him a look. "Oh, you know you want to know what's going on between them just as much as we do," he grinned, before focusing on the computer again. Now Jordan was trying to get a word in, but Woody kept talking or yelling to her.

The sound of the door being pushed open startled all three of them. Nigel made the screen go black before turning around to face Kathy. "Hi there, Kathiawari, what can we do for you?"

Kathy smiled to Bug and Lily, who pretended they were there for a reason. "You got those tox-results?"

"I left papers in my office, you can find them there," Nigel replied.

As soon as she had left, Nigel turned the screen back on.

"That woman and her timing," Lily muttered, shaking her head. She hoped the guys hadn't heard her. It wasn't her place to tell what had happened in the bathroom. Maybe Kathy had realized what had been going on, but, in that case, she hadn't said a word about it to anyone.

"Lady and gentleman, we have sound!" Nigel proudly exclaimed. "All we need now is some popcorn," he winched and took a sip of coffee.

"I thought we were moving somewhere, that we were finally past all the dancing around each other," Woody's voice appeared clearly out of the speakers. "But again you…"

Jordan's voice broke him angrily off. "Will you for once just listen to me! Do you want to know? Do you want to know what's going on with me?"

He fell silent. From what Nigel could tell, Woody was now strongly debating whether he actually dared to answer that question or not. You never knew with Jordan. It could be good news, it could be bad. Very often both. "Yes," he finally said. With hesitating steps he walked closer to her. "Yes, I want to know."

"I'm pregnant."

To prevent choking on his own coffee, Nigel had to bend forward and spit it all out. The quick movement made him lose control over the cup, tilting it over to the side, letting the fluid run all over the keyboard. It made a buzzing sound before the screen went completely black.

* * *

Woody backed as far away from her as he could. "You're… you're what now?" He wanted to pinch himself in the arm to make sure he wasn't dreaming, but hitting his head in the wall seemed to be enough.

"I'm pregnant."

He stroked the back of his head, trying to let it sink in. There was no way he'd seen this coming. When she had pushed him into the elevator he'd expected either some lame excuse about having to come in early or that someone was after her and she needed his help. Again. "You're kidding…"

Jordan pulled the positive pregnancy test out of her pocket and threw it to him. "Here, check for yourself. Congratulations, Woody, you're going to be a dad."

All of a sudden he had problems breathing. "What-what're-what? How do you know I'm…how did it…? But we…I-I didn't…?"

"I kind of turned a cold shoulder to Pollack after he wrote that article about you, and I had my last period after that. That's how I know you're the father and not him. _How_ it happened is pretty obvious. And no, you didn't." Jordan said, answering all his questions. She let herself sink to the floor. "When I woke up this morning I was so happy to find you next to me. I swear to you Woody, I have no regrets, I'm sticking to my promise."

_So she _does_ remember_, Woody thought.

"After watching you sleep for a while I got up to take a shower. And I threw up. I've never been sick like that before, not once. But lately I've been feeling really nauseous, and it always happens in the morning. So I put two and two together. I ran to the drugstore, bought the test and, well, you know the rest." She didn't want to mention the false negative from the day before. It wasn't important anymore. "I understand that it's going to take some time for you to get used to the idea, and if you want me to, I'll leave you alone while you make a decision." _Just let it be the right one._ When he didn't answer, she walked over to the buttons and made the elevator move again. A few seconds later they reached their floor. The doors opened and Jordan walked out. She turned around to face Woody, who was still standing speechless. "But you should know that I can't do this. I can't do this alone. For once in my life I'm going to need someone with me all the steps of the way. And I want that someone to be you." The doors closed, separating them.

For the first time in many weeks, Jordan allowed herself to cry.

* * *


	6. Let's Be Us Again

**A/N: Wow, this chapter seemed so much longer when I wrote it by hand! But when I got home from the cabin and it turned out to only be two pages on Word ;) Anyway, here's chapter six!**

**Again, I don't own anything! WishI did sometimes, but I don't. Well, I sort of own Kathy, as I made her up.**

* * *

Chapter 6 – Let's Be Us Again

There is one word that perfectly describes how things were in the forensic lab at this moment: chaotic. When you get news you weren't expecting at all, it takes a while before you're able to digest it. Stage one is wondering if you heard correctly. Stage two is where the anger, confusion, joy, sadness, denial, laughing or widening of eyes comes in. Stage three is when you simply deal with it. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not. Sometimes you have no choice but to accept it.

As Nigel was soon about to realize, having something to drink by a computer while listening to other's conversations is not a very good idea. Especially if it's a conversation similar to Jordan and Woody's. Shortly after the coffee incident, while Nigel was still coughing, Bug backed right into one of the closest desks, tearing down the shelf, causing test-tubes and other breakable objects to either smash against the floor or spill their contents all over the place.

"Oh no, no, no, no, no, no…" Nigel said as soon as he could breathe properly again. He tried desperately to make the image appear again without getting electrocuted, but there was no use. The computer was dead. If he had more time, he'd be able to fix it, but right now there were more urgent matters to attend to than a short circuit. At least if his ears hadn't played a trick on him.

"Can you fix it?" Bug asked, surprisingly enough not caring about the mess he had made.

Nigel didn't answer. He got up from his seat and went to one of the other computers, starting to play with the keyboard.

"What are you doing?" Lily said. Her reaction to Jordan's confession had been a very loud "Oh my God!" followed by a shriek as one of the sparks hit her on the arm.

"I can connect to my webcam on whatever computer I want," he replied, concentrating hard, "and I really want to hear dear Woodrow's answer to this." He continued clicking on the keyboard, faster and faster.

"What did she tell him for anyway?" Bug wondered. He had now realized what he'd done, and tried to clean up the best he could. "I mean, that reporter guy is the father, right?"

_Or is he?_ Lily thought to herself. When she had asked Jordan who the father was, she didn't give her a straight answer. Had something happened between her and Woody? _My God, is Woody the one she's pregnant with?_

"Lily, are you okay?" Bug said, noticing her sudden mental absence. He laid an insecure hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm fine, it's just a lot to swallow." The line sounded a bit weird, even to her. After all, Jordan was the one having a baby, not them.

"Jordan pregnant…it's not exactly…," Bug began, but what it exactly wasn't he never got to say, as he was interrupted by an irritated sound coming from Nigel.

He turned around, making the screen visible to them. There was no one in the elevator.

"Where did they go?" As soon as Lily had spoken the words, a loud "Watch it!" from the outside caught their attention. Opening the door, they could see Jordan helping Kathy pick up a bunch of paper sheets from the floor. She looked like she'd just been crying. Kathy had a mildly annoyed, yet mildly amused, expression on her face.

"I am so sorry," Jordan apologized, giving her the last sheets. "I didn't see you there."

That didn't appear to be a big surprise to Kathy. During the two weeks she had worked here, she'd figured out it took a while before you were viewed upon by the rest of the staff as one of their own. That Sydney-guy, Dr. Trumaine, kept calling her "new girl", Dr Townsend always referred to her with her full first name and Dr. Cavanaugh, well, Jordan never called her anything, really. Still, she believed this was a place she'd eventually enjoy working at. "That's okay." The girls looked at each other briefly, before going separate directions.

But before Kathy managed to walk around the next corner, another person ran directly into her. This one she recognized as Detective Hoyt.

"I'm so sorry, Kathy," he said, helping her to her feet. "You didn't happen to see Jordan, did you?"

"I think she's in her office," she answered, rubbing the spot on her forehead where his badge had hit her. "Thanks for the help!" She shouted after him as he ran down the hall.

"Sorry!" He called back.

Fed up by everything, she started picking up the paper sheets once again. "Man, what's wrong with this place!"

* * *

He caught up with her just as she was about to open the door to her office. "Jordan!" 

The sound of his voice made her jump. When she had left him in the elevator, she'd expected him to do what she would have done – gone running. For some reason she was ready to try and deal with the fact that he might never want to see her again, that he'd leave her, just like everyone else. But here he was, standing right in front of her, panting like he had finished a 10 mile marathon or something. Right now Woody was in charge of their future, together or apart. But no matter what happened between them, they would still have a child together.

"Hi," she said, removing her hand from the handle.

He took a few steps towards her. "Listen, I'm sorry for losing my head like that. I'm not exactly proud of it."

"Guess I can't blame you," Jordan said, crossing her arms. "It was a bit of a shock to me too. Woody, I…"

"Jordan, stop. I know what you're about to say. You're about to say that I don't have to be a part of this, that you don't expect me to be there for you - that you'll understand if I don't want to be in your or our baby's life." Jordan had to fight back the tears as he moved closer to her and took her hands in his. "But I'm not going to let you say that, because I want all those things. Believe me, I'm not saying this because it's the right thing to do, I'm saying this because I _want_ to be with you every step of the way. I _want_ to be a part of our son or daughter's life, and that includes yours. There's absolutely no way I'm going to let you face this alone. And if you suddenly decide you don't want me to be that person anymore, you're in a jam, 'cause you're not getting rid me. Not now, not ever," Woody grinned his heart-melting smile, showing both dimples. "So do you, Jordan? Do you _want_ me in your life?"

He was reaching out for her. All she had to do was open her heart to him and let him come in, something very few people had experienced. But, oh, she wanted to. "Yes. Yes, Woody, I can't even imagine my life without you in it. I just hope you know what you're getting into." She said, kissing his hand. He responded by pulling her into a hug. They stood like that for what seemed like an eternity. When Jordan finally spoke, her voice was light and relieved. "How did you reach me that fast? I thought the elevator went down to first floor."

He kissed her hair. "I got out on fifth, I ran up the stairs."

"You ran up four floors?" She chuckled.

"I couldn't let you think this was something I had to consider real hard, could I?" He released her from the hug, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "Let's be us again, huh?"

"Let's be more than that," she grinned, pulling him down for a kiss.

Just around the corner, Lily, Nigel and a reluctant Bug had discretely been listening to the two. When they stopped talking, Lily bent forward to see what was going on. She turned towards the boys with a smile on her face.

"What are they doing?" Nigel asked.

"See for yourself," Lily pointed before walking back to the break room, still smiling.

When they saw that Jordan and Woody had not only made up, but were now also kissing each other deeply, they both exclaimed "Finally!" Then Bug dragged Nigel away from the scene, leaving the two lovers alone.

Yes, the road to acceptance can be a tricky one, unless the news you received gave you everything you've ever wanted. Merely by existing, Jordan and Woody were each other's greatest weakness.

_It sure took us some time to realize we're strongest together_, Woody thought, continuing to kiss the woman he loved thoroughly. And when she responded with just as much love and passion, he considered himself the luckiest man on the planet. For now.

* * *


	7. In the End

**A/N: Wow, how long did this take? Three months? Four? I'm sure you all forgot I even had a fic here, but for those who were waiting for the end - I'm really sorry. FF refused to let me upload any newdocuments, and after a bunch of tries I gave up and forgot all about it. **

**The whole "for now" - deal at the end of previos chapter was to tell you the story wasn't done yet, 'cause I really could have ended it right there.**

* * *

Chapter 7 - In the End

Losing someone you care about is never easy. Although everyone handles it differently, the pain is still the same. Someone cries until there are no tears left, others react by laughing. Some get angry, some live in eternal denial and many blames themselves for their loved one's death. No matter how much we wish for it, we can't turn back time, but that doesn't stop the "what ifs" from entering our mind. And it's often the small things we wonder about, like "what if I'd bought the groceries myself", "what if I had made her come home for spring break", "what if I'd made him go see a doctor sooner". The more people you lose, the worse it gets. In the end, maybe you stop getting attached to people. A part of you figures that they'll leave you anyway, why expose yourself to that awful pain all over again? It is said that time heals all wounds, but basically it just covers them up. As they fade on the outside, the pain eventually fades too, but the wounds are still there, ready to start hurting when you least expect it. Just like love.

Woody Hoyt was a man with many wounds like that. His parents were gone, he had almost lost his brother to drugs, friends and lovers had passed away and only six months ago his partner had been shot. Through his job he witnessed a lot of death and grief, but experiencing it himself was different.

As he was standing there, looking down on the body of a young woman, he couldn't help but thinking that this was someone's daughter. Someone had murdered her, and the parents didn't even know.

"Who is the answering ME?" he asked one of the officers at the scene.

"Dr. Cavanaugh, I believe." Woody flinched as he heard the name.

_That's impossible_, he thought to himself. "Cavanaugh? Are you sure?"

The officer nodded and pointed at something behind his back, making the Detective turn around.

"Jordan!" He exclaimed, giving her the exact same look as the time he saw her waiting for him in L.A. after he had refused her to come all those years ago.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said, walking towards him. "Bug called in sick and I didn't have the time to find a babysitter."

"So you brought our child to a crime scene?" He said angrily.

"It's not like I could just leave her at home," she responded, handing him their daughter. "Here we at least know she's still alive." Woody sighed, knowing there was no point arguing. "So, what've we got?"

Garret shook his head at Jordan's ways, but when Woody tried to cover the toddler's eyes and ears while Jordan showed him something near the victim's head, he had to smile to himself.

Fourteen months had passed since the day Jordan and Woody decided to become a family. Half a year ago their beautiful baby girl was born and they named her Louise Emily after her grandmothers. Jordan's water broke while she was working at the morgue. Garret almost had to drag her to the hospital as she screamed that it was too early and that someone had to call Woody. When the contractions started she still wanted someone to get Woody there, but only so she could "punch him in the face for what he had done to her". Luckily for Woody, she didn't.

"There's nothing wrong with giving birth to a child outside of wedlock," was the reply Garret got when he asked Jordan if they were planning on getting married before the baby was born. Seeing as she and Woody only had been a couple for a few months at that time, neither of them wanted to rush things. But Woody swore he'd make her his wife as soon as she would accept his proposal. Which she eventually did, and she had a big diamond ring on her left hand to prove it. In three months, they would officially be Mr. and Mrs. Hoyt.

The guys at the precinct still wondered how Woody managed to get engaged to the "hottest ME in Boston", while the people at the morgue no longer waited for Jordan to make a run for it. Truth is, she had grown beyond that point. Commitment no longer scared her. She was still afraid of getting hurt, but Woody held her as tight as he could, trying to make her feel as safe as possibly. And it had worked.

In fact, Jordan was the one to first say the "L"-word. It had been her birthday, and she had stubbornly told everyone she didn't want them to make a fuss. Woody hadn't listened. He tricked her into the morgue in the evening, giving her a surprise party she would never forget.

"You're such a jackass!" she said as soon as she knew what was going on. Then, smiling she said: "But I love you anyway." The whole room turned completely silent.

"What did you say?" Woody said.

"I said I l..." Woody grinned, "love you."

That was a moment he wouldn't let her forget. And they had many more special moments to come.

* * *


End file.
